So here we are. A new year. 2016: A year for new hope and new potential.
I’ve seen so many friends and family make these “New Year, New Me” New Year’s resolutions. I can’t deny that I myself have been guilty many times of making these “empty promises”. I used to make the oh so common weight loss, work out, eat healthier resolutions, but a few weeks in, I’d just give up. Of course, I did that before I got sick.
After I became chronically ill, my resolutions became solely focused on advocating and educating others about Dysautonomia/POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome).
I would research as much as I could and not only post about it on social media, but actually talk to family members. Many times they found it hard to believe how much of a struggle life had actually become for me. I’ve also educated some of my doctors on my condition, when they had no idea what Dysautonomia/POTS was.
I have helped others with chronic illnesses understand that they weren’t alone in their journey. Through all of this, there was a problem. I myself felt empty, alone, and scared. No matter what I did or said I couldn’t grasp, and still can’t grasp HOW OR WHY this had to happen to me.
Here, I am looking at this New Year as my opportunity to change me, for me.
I have been through every stage of grief you can possibly go through, throughout this chronic illness journey. I’ve been very angry, sad, confused, have felt denial and acceptance. It’s like mourning the death of the life you once had. I want better, I don’t want to simply accept defeat. Yes, I am very well aware that there is no cure for any form of Dysautonomia. Despite knowing the harsh reality,
I want to be ok
Speaking of being okay, below is a poem I used to express my grief:
I’m not Ok…
I sit here pretending that I’m fine
Assuming things will get better in time
I listen to the distant past
Rolling storm clouds moving fast
I wish I had much more to say
Just let me tell you I’M NOT OK
I’ve built up a wall and I wear this mask
So that no one needs to ask
“How are you today?”
I want this feeling to go away. ..
I need to tell you I’M NOT OK!
Worried and weary, dog tired and spent
Beautifully broken, shattered and bent
Exhausted from being so strong this long
Feeling out of sorts as if I don’t belong
Wishing it would go away
I need to tell you I’M NOT OK!
I don’t want to be coddled, don’t make a big fuss
There’s things I must tell you but one’s a MUST
I tell you my secret because I have trust
There’s not much more I wish to discuss….
Don’t look at me different when I look at you and say
I’m only human, and I’M NOT OK!
(Marisol Garcia-Ramirez )
Now, let’s focus on the New Year shall we.
What do I want for 2016? That’s a loaded question! But, I’ll tell you this much… It has the simplest answer.
I want to be able to feel worthy again; to know that it’s ok not to be “Wonder Woman”. I want to be able to look at people, and not have to wear a “mask”. I want to love myself and who I’ve become. Accept the fact that I truly am a beautiful person, a phenomenal mother, and a gracious wife.
Stay tuned for Part 2 of Mari’s #NewYearNewYou post, same time tomorrow!
About the Author: Mari is a new Patient Worthy Contributor. Keep an eye out for more posts by her and check out her facebook page here.
