People often tell me how positive I am, and for the most part, I think that’s true. But after living with dystonia for more than two decades, my understanding of what it means to have a positive attitude has changed. I no longer think it means trying to be happy all the time, looking for the bright side of everything, or pretending difficult circumstances don’t affect me. To me, it means doing my best not to let those circumstances determine the person I become or how I choose to live my life.

I still struggle. I still have difficult symptoms and difficult days, and I certainly don’t have all the answers. I remain a work in progress. But I also know how far I have come from some very dark places in my life, and much of that progress began when I started changing the way I looked at what was happening to me.

When someone is deeply suffering, hearing “just stay positive” can feel dismissive and even insulting. I understand because there was a time when those words would have angered me too. When you are in severe pain, frightened about your health, grieving the life you once had, or simply trying to make it through another difficult day, positivity may be the last thing you want to hear about.

Sometimes we need to hurt. Sometimes we need to be angry or grieve what we have lost. And sometimes we simply need someone to listen and acknowledge how difficult things are without trying to fix us. There is nothing wrong with that. What I have learned, though, is that we don’t have to stay in those painful places forever. When we are ready, we can begin changing how we relate to what is happening to us and how we choose to move forward with it.

There is an old saying, “attitude determines altitude.” Years ago, I might have interpreted that to mean that if I stayed positive enough, everything would somehow work out. I don’t believe that anymore. There are many things in life we simply cannot control. But we do have some influence over where we place our attention, how we speak to ourselves, how we respond to setbacks, whether we reach out for support, and whether we continue taking steps toward a meaningful life. In the context of these circumstances, I believe attitude can determine altitude.

For a long time, I lived in a world filled with pain, anxiety, depression, fear, and anger. Given what I was going through, those feelings made sense. But eventually I realized that I didn’t want my suffering to become my entire identity. I couldn’t always change what my body was doing, but I could begin changing my relationship with my symptoms, my circumstances, and myself. That shift happened slowly, one choice and one moment at a time.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned is that acknowledging our pain and having hope are not opposites. We can say, “This is incredibly hard, and I’m going to keep going.” We can be frustrated with our symptoms and still appreciate something good in our day. We can grieve what we have lost while remaining open to what life may still have to offer. We can have a terrible day without deciding that we have a terrible life.

I still get discouraged and frustrated, and there are days when symptoms wear me down. I’ve stopped expecting myself to be positive all the time. Instead, I try to acknowledge what I’m feeling and give myself room to feel it. Then, when I can, I gently redirect my attention toward something that helps me move forward. Sometimes that means talking with someone, writing, getting outside, listening to music, resting, or simply remembering everything I have already made it through.

If you’re struggling right now, I’m not going to tell you to simply “look on the bright side.” Life isn’t that simple. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Grieve what you’ve lost. Talk about your pain. Ask for help. You don’t have to pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. But somewhere underneath all of that, try to leave a little room for hope. You don’t have to figure out your entire life today. You don’t have to know what next month or next year will look like. Just don’t give up on yourself.

Sometimes we become overwhelmed because we’re trying to carry yesterday, today, and tomorrow all at once. Put yesterday down for a moment and let tomorrow wait. Come back to where you are right now. Take the next breath. Take the next step. Reach out your hand if you need someone to help you through it.

I have lived through periods when I couldn’t imagine ever feeling hopeful again. Yet here I am, still learning, still growing, still struggling at times, and still finding reasons to appreciate my life. That’s what “attitude determines altitude” means to me today. It isn’t about pretending life isn’t hard. It’s about believing that even when life is hard, there can still be more life ahead of us.