Thoughts occur in the mind, when the electrical circuits in the brain through neurons and synapses and chemicals all function together. Processes of the mind produce ideas, reasoning, creativity, safety or risk-taking, beliefs, judgements, emotions, feelings, concerns, likes or dislikes, fears, etc. Basically one’s total interaction with his or her world, as they know it. A newborn baby cries because of the sensation of hunger. This is a built-in response long before that infant has begun to develop cognition, or thoughts. When an individual, the mother or caregiver for that baby answers that hunger cry, the infant begins to recognize that its basic need of hunger will be and is satisfied. Through time and growth and positive responses to its needs, the baby develops into a thinking individual.
But what happens when situational occurrences interfere and the caregiver does not respond right away or at all to the baby’s cries? Neglect, abandonment, starvation, dehydration, lack of bonding, unmet needs and so forth affect that infant profoundly! Cognitive development is stunted, halted, interrupted, refused, etc. How are the child’s thoughts and thought processes affected?
I do not pretend to know any of these answers. Anything I “know” I was told by my older sister, either along the way as I was growing up or even during the past 5 to 10 years ago, as an adult. Many of these occurrences were kept as secrets. So, what are these things of which I was informed? First, was that when my mother was 7 months pregnant with me, my drunk father punched her in her stomach as hard as he could! I never heard about this until I was 65 years old. I am 72 as I write this. I don’t know why my sister chose to reveal this to me and to my husband when we were staying with her after her husband had died. The knowledge of this new detail shocked me, hurt me, created questions within me, and, naturally, caused me to wonder “why” he did that? Let’s look further at these last two sentences: “I don’t KNOW why . . .” was and is a thought produced in my mind in response to the revelation. “The KNOWLEDGE” is another thought in my mind which caused feelings and questions for me.
My sister also told me that she took care of me much of the time when I was a baby, because our mother was so busy taking care of our alcoholic father, who was violent when he was drunk and often did criminal-type things like trying to stab her, strangle her, catch the mattress on fire while smoking, threatening to kill all of us 4 children, cursing profusely, breaking up things in the house, staggering outside in his underwear. Mother had to protect him from falling and getting injured, burning up in his bed, committing murder, destroying what little furniture we had, or trashing what little food we had to eat!
I was also told by my older sister that when I was 6 months old, our oldest brother took me out of my crib, without anyone knowing, ran off with me into the woods, and hid me. He left me there, ran back to the house, then bragged about what he had done. Apparently, he refused to divulge where he hid me, and played this evil game for a while. I never heard any more details other than I was found and was safe. Do I remember any of this? “No, I was an infant of 6 months old!” Does hearing this affect me in any way as an adult? Through my thought processes and analysis of this situation, “Yes!”
I observed and experienced so much firsthand, as I grew up, that I have often said that I could write several volumes of books. I have not accomplished that and I may never make that happen. The closest I have come is making an indepth outline of my memories throughout the years of living at home. Thoughts of all of these horrendous memories are indeed heartbreaking! I have prefaced my story about MDD and GAD, with this intro, because my life has been driven by my need to understand WHY I must live with this devastating mental illness. Trying to piece more recent revelations, along with my first-hand childhood exposure to and experiences with living in an alcoholic environment, continues to be an arduous task for me.
I was diagnosed with MDD or Major Depressive Disorder, along with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 1986, at age 32. The psychiatrist at that time and psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, counselors, and the hundreds of articles I have researched, in additon to the many books I have read, throughout the past 40 years have all agreed that my childhood trauma resulted in my mental health issues. However, I often wonder about the epigenetics of heredity that is currently studied and how the thoughts and ideas and feelings and experiences and responses to those experiences of my mother and others from my genetic family relatives play into what I am living now. The whole “Nature versus Nurture” debate fascinates me. Are the effects of MDD and GAD in my life “Environmental or Situational?” Or a combination of both?
I ask myself at times, “Does it really matter how I came to be who and what I am in my life?” “Why am I the way I am?” “Why am I so unhappy? Why am I plagued with depression and anxiety?” “Why do I become unable to function, due to exhaustion, lack of motivation, fear of failure, fear of everything, negative-thinking, over-thinking, worrying, catastrophic beliefs, self-hate, shame, guilt, self-chastisement, self-blame, hopelessness, even helplessness, suicidal ideation, insomnia, upset stomach, migraine headaches, nightmares, irrational fears, phobias, scrambled thoughts, foggy feelings, confusion, lack of concentration, subject-hopping thoughts, agitation, appetite fluctuations, tremors/uncontrolled shaking, angry outbursts, hurt feelings/hypersensitivity, low to no self-esteem, loser/failure beliefs, no self-confidence, wishes I’d never been born, questions why I was born, feeling unloved, feelings of not being understood, unsupported, not cared for, beliefs that everyone would be better off if I was dead and gone, unworthiness, valueless, purposeless, belief of being a dead-weight on society, wanting to hurt myself, punish myself, desiring all the thoughts and pain go away/disappear, haunting memories, violent images, fearful remembrances of terrible experiences, old hunger pangs and feeling unsafe, wanting to help everyone/ Savior Syndrome, feeling responsible for saving my mother from my father, being hypervigilant, suspicious, reading the room, assessing danger or safety, panic episodes, not feeling in control, not feeling real at times, unsure of reality, psychosis, delusions, over-reacting to circumstances, not in touch with reality! I recognize every single one of these thoughts, sensations, feelings because I have experienced them! My conclusion, at age 72, is NO WONDER! I understand how I am worn out, troubled, and desire not to get into this state of being ever again! Unfortunately, mental illness does NOT work that way!
But, folks, THERE IS HELP for those of us who suffer with mental health issues of all types! This next “chapter” of my story does NOT come from a textbook or self-help books, or the hundreds of articles I’ve read! Though I love and enjoy researching what I am living and coping with and the guidance and suggestions the resources offer, I have made choices and experienced every bit of what I share!
I reached out in 1986, at age 32, 2 years after I gave birth to my third son. Whether there was any hormonal influence in my collapse has never been confirmed, but I experienced my first mental breakdown, also labeled “nervous breakdown” one evening, as I laid exhausted on my family room sofa. My three sons were already asleep in their rooms, thanks to their father, who had carried out my usual bedtime activities. I felt hopeless, helpless, confused, unable to think coherently, and like something was drastically wrong with my brain processes, like my mind was completely worn out and broken! Even my eyes stayed tightly shut as if my brain could not signal them to open. I was in a somewhat catatonic state and could not “think” myself out of it. Calls made by my then husband for grandma to come to babysit took place, when he was unable to communicate with me. He contacted a local hospital and explained my condition, without having any real idea of what was happening. Advised to drive me to that hospital immediately and with Grandma there to care for the boys, he carried me and placed me in the car. I assume that’s what happened because I have no recollection of any of it. Vaguely, I recall hearing voices in the ER, instructing me to try to open my eyes, so they could look into them. I tried, in response to their voices, but barely remember a small slit of darkness and low light, more like a very dimly-lit shadow, before my right eye clamped back tightly. Then I heard the word “exhaustion” spoken. No more remembrances until the next day, when I awoke to being in a private room, in a comfortable bed, that felt safe. I later found out that medications had been administered to me, to help me sleep and in so doing provide rest for my brain and my body. A psychiatrist came for a first visit with me in that hospital room that morning. He was compassionate and concerned and understanding. He asked several gentle questions about how I was feeling and what I remembered about my collapse and explained what had happened to me. Further, he explained the course of treatment he planned to follow and encouraged me to feel safe and believe that I would get better.
AND I DID GET BETTER! I asked for some paper and a pencil so that I could write a couple of poems. I even sketched stick figures to illustrate the words. Thankfully, I knew I was improving, because I loved to write, having written my very first poem at age 6 1/2! (With a bit of help from my Mama, of course!) That evening when the doctor stopped by to check on me, I showed him the poems and drawings. He was very complimentary of my writings!
So, this is how the diagnosis and help for MDD and GAD all happened for me! I punctuate this declaration with the exclamation point, because it was exciting to me, after the awful state I had come back from. Gratitude to everyone who had helped me, especially the psychiatrist who took my case and, with his expertise, prescribed the correct medication for me, as well as guiding me to another Psychiatrist, who used CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, thereafter.
Truthfully and sadly, my first breakdown and continued life experiences taught me that MDD and GAD were not and are not one-time experiences. Just as the brain functions all the time that I am alive, it becomes overwhelmed at times. My thoughts become jumbled up and those symptoms listed earlier in my story can and do occur again. And the brain processes, with misfirings of the neurotransmitters and the glitches of the synapses and the brain chemicals of serotonin and norepinephrine and dopamine and all the other things that go on, get out of whack! Much research continues on mental health and will continue, as many things are not completely understood and are most likely not even discovered yet.
Yes, I have had more breakdowns and collapses. Subsequent hospitalizations have occurred at various points in my life, because I made the decisions to seek help, which I knew I needed. I wanted to get better, to recover, to get my life back into balance. Yes, there were times that I had thoughts of suicide and even specific plans. I never acted upon any of those thoughts or plans, however, because I did not want to die for real, I just wanted to stop the pain, the awful hurt, the devastating thoughts, literally to turn off my brain for a bit, just so I could have a respite, a reprieve, a short and restorative rest from all the symptoms I was experiencing!
Suicide was and is NOT the legacy I want to leave for my sons and my daughter-in-laws and my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren and all other family members and friends and the thousands of teenagers I have served as a Youth Minister, Youth Missions Leader, Youth Christian Events Speaker and Writer for over 35 years, and a Substitute Teacher for more than 20 years!
I encourage every individual, young or adult to reach out for help with depression and anxiety and all other mental health illnesses. HELP IS OUT THERE AND AVAILABLE TO YOU! Expertly-trained individuals and groups of people are present and wanting and waiting for you to seek them out. Additional therapies and counseling methods exist and they are tried and true and go the distance in helping. A vast number of types of medications are available and have been approved by the U.S. FDA by prescription for you to take as directed. If a medication has unpleasant side effects for you, immediately let your doctor know. There are many other options. Many more options than when I was 32 and 42 and 52! Ongoing studies and trials offer additional help and hope now and in the years to come!
I would be remiss if I did not include the ways I have worked to help myself throughout the years. Writing has definitely been and continues to be a huge part of my coping strategies. Sometimes writing may just be one word written in large letters. Exercise is an absolute for me. Walking and mowing grass and soft-washing the siding on my house in the nice weather are key. As long as I keep moving I generally feel and function better. Raking, picking up pine cones, gumballs and branches that fall off of my many trees in the cooler months provide exercise and accomplishment for me. Cold winter months I travel to a shopping mall or even the local grocery store and walk up and down the aisles multiple times to lengthen my exercise regimen. Indoor movements are not as inviting for me, however, I talk myself into doing some balance routines and a few floor exercises. And, let’s not forget cleaning, scrubbing, dusting, vacuuming, and all those other necessary housework activities . . . all year round!
Proper and beneficial breathing techniques or exercises, which my therapists have taught me early on in my counseling sessions, help so much and I continue to practice them. Relaxation techniques, such as Visualization, Imagery, Going to my SAFE AND FAVORITE PLACE in my thoughts, Muscle movement methods, Grounding, Meditation, Reading, Intentional Distraction, Sharing a cup of coffee or tea with a kind and understanding Friend, Talking with perfect strangers in the drugstore, Helping others, Visiting at a nursing home, Enjoying nature, Listening and singing along to music, Playing a musical instrument, Eating healthily, Staying hydrated, Taking care of my hygiene, and of course, Sleeping regularly. Retirement helps me quite a bit, too, but practicing all of these coping skills, while I still worked at my career, carried me through many challenging times.
My purpose in sharing my MDD and GAD story is linked to my desire to help anyone I can to know and believe that help is available and that life can be better for them. If I can encourage you and others you know dealing with depression and anxiety, you may contact me at my email address: [email protected]. By the way, my husband died one-year ago in 2025, as I write my story. Grief is REAL! I dealt with this loss fairly well for close to 9-months, until one morning I woke up confused and disconnected and foggy-headed and unable to clear my thoughts and re-orient myself to what time it was. All I knew was that I needed help! I phoned my PCP’s office, described my symptoms and requested to be seen. Within 45 minutes I was seated in my dr.’s examination room. He determined that I was experiencing sleep deprivation, weight loss, severe anxiety, and breakthrough depression, despite the anti-depressant I had been taking for many years. It happens, folks! With my dr.’s guidance, I am back in therapy, with a brand new Psychiatrist and his prescribed medications. I am happy to report that I am doing well again and I am fortunate to have the best Psychiatrist, who is a great “fit” for me!
Thank you all for reading my story! It is very long, I know, but my MDD and GAD journey continues. Seventy-two years long, so far. Good choices have kept me going, along with amazing folks who have helped me. Let me know, please, if I can “pay it forward”!
About the Author: Joan Foster is a retired Youth Minister of more than 35 years. She is also a published author of poetry, plays, Bible Study Curriculum, and Training Articles on Working with Teenagers. She enjoys her life near the Chesapeake Bay.
