I am beyond excited to report I have begun the process of recovery from late stage, chronic Lyme disease.
A year ago, I was reading through articles, clicking on everything I could to give myself hope there might be a possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel. Even four months ago, I started to doubt myself and even my diagnosis. What if I went through all the antibiotics, the pain, the money, the PICC, all of it just to be sick forever?
Two months ago, I got my PICC line removed and something incredible happened. I didn’t notice it immediately amid my permeate Grumpy Cat personality, but people started to notice I was looking less like a bloated corpse and more like a human. “You seem brighter- what’s different?”
I was able to start taking myself on longer walks, then hikes (drenching myself in all the bug spray Amazon has to offer). I signed up for the gym so I could walk along on the treadmill, when I noticed the scale started to go in a very positive direction. But, then I got too brave and pulled my back. I also got bored and brave with weights, which lead to pulling something in my arm, which lead into a total meltdown.
The pain took me back to where I was at the start of all of this- I was 110% sure I was slipping back into sickness, and the Lyme was taking over again, despite my doctors all believing in my returning to health. My husband sat down a rather hysterical me, and we had a talk about triggers.
“I know,” I said rolling my eyes. I was a mental health professional after all. I know what triggers are.
He grabbed the cat for me to hold and made me listen. He told me when he was in recovery from his cancer, every little pain, cough, and unusual sensation triggered his fear of his cancer reoccurring and being forced to relive his worst nightmare; emotionally re-traumatizing himself over and over again.
He told me what I needed to hear most: “Don’t panic. What you are experiencing is normal.”
He also told me that the process of physical healing and mental healing don’t always happen at the same time. I told him it made me feel crazy and whiny. He told me the reason for this is, is because we are soldering along when we are sick, and suddenly for the first time we are able to relax, all the emotions we couldn’t allow ourselves to process while we were surviving finally hit us. That might explain why I spent a solid month in hysterics, flexing between Lyme recovery guilt and being paralyzed with fear this wasn’t going to last.
When it comes to the process of recovering from an extreme illness, no one addresses how terrifying, confusing and emotional recovery can be.
As with any type of life altering event, we tend to not give thought to what happens when life begins to become more normal and we have to transition back into whatever normalcy looked like.
It’s important to not be hard on yourself and your process, there’s a good reason you are feeling the way you are- this is no small thing. This isn’t your car breaking down, this isn’t your annoying neighbor (yes, I hear you!!!), this is probably going to be the most extreme life event you’ve ever been faced with. It’s a learning process. I know I’m rediscovering what is important to me. I’m making a new path for myself, finding meaning in my new health by serving the Lyme community the best way I know how, through fighting to address the mental health aspect of Lyme Disease.
